So I just read when I last blogged… 21 DAYS AGO.
OMGOSH I AM SO SORRY BLOGASPHERE. Also people were probably going hey remember that *cool* girl that used to blog? Yeah well she doesn’t anymore.. wonder what happened to her?
** I am not cool and this blog sometimes feels like me just trying in a different way to validate my non- coolness**
I’ve been busy which shouldn’t be an excuse but it is because I was trying to live that artistic life and I had a show this past weekend ( it went great! thanks for asking and I’m sorry I’m terrible at promoting stuff I do!) Onward and blog-word.
The subject matter of my play was a sensitive topic, it was about trauma and I won’t go into details because it’s not mine to go into details about. But all in all a very sensitive subject matter, and I think we treated it with the care that it deserved.
Doing this play ( re: all plays ) requires us as actors to be sensitive. As actors we are always being told that we have to be open to everything. To being vulnerable and all of the things that you might not normally like to be.
Now I am a sensitive person. I may be an overtly sensitive person. When I was younger my brother would get injured and I would cry. Not just on one occasion on like all occasion’s. If I was ever going to be in Heroes clearly I would be an empath and hopefully get to make out with Milo Ventimiglia. Now saying I’m a sensitive person would make you think that that would factor into my acting. It would help me out and maybe I’d have some weird edge on some people that are robots.
Well you’d be wrong. I’ll jump back a little. While also being a very sensitive person, I was a very sensitive child, and I was very shy. ( Don’t ask me where that went although I do have moments of social anxiety sometimes, don’t we all? ) Somewhere along my childhood though I learned to repress it. I wouldn’t even be able to tell you when it happened or where it came from. I’ve had talks about it with my acting coach who suggested that somewhere in my childhood I probably felt embarrassed for being really sensitive to something, or embarrassed or ashamed that something made me cry so easily. This I can imagine. And of course you go through middle school and you just want to make it out alive so you make sure that you never cry in front of anyone for any reason.
By the time I hit high school I was probably on my way to getting used to repressing things, emotionally anyway. Doesn’t mean I didn’t feel them. I did. A lot.
Sometimes I think I feel certain emotions or certain things way more than other people (Empath see? Cast me in your next movie Marvel, and can I also wear a cape? ).
So years ( probably at this point now ) of me repressing a majority of my emotions and now I want to be an actor? Yeah fucking right. Good luck and see you on the other side. Well don’t worry because that’s kind of what happened. University kicked my ass and lots of scenes or plays I did I didn’t connect to, because I felt like I couldn’t. You want to try opening Pandora’s box after 10 years? I didn’t think so. I’ve been called the Ice Queen so many times in my family it is a running joke. Nothing makes me cry. Theatre that moves me, good movies, television shows, pretty much nothing. So yeah, who’s the robot now?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m often emotional watching things, and I’ll always feel a lump rising in my throat but I could always push it down, take a breath and move past it. I’ll always remember a particular moment with my acting coach when I was doing a monologue I had done approx. a hundred times in front of her. She told me to do something different with it and kept pushing me and pushing me, and finally I cried. When I was doing it, as I was saying it. She announced I had had a breakthrough as an actor. Now has that moment happened since then? No. But to me it means I can get there again. Eventually.
It’s taken me way too long to realize that being sensitive is ok. That I shouldn’t try to repress everything because one day you’ll have to do something with all of that repression and it won’t be good. Sometimes things actually make me cry now. They are still rare and few between and sometimes I still get judged for not being able to cry during something like Titanic. But now I can name some instances I’ve cried watching something, ( they are few so I remember them )
- Cory Monteith’s episode on Glee right after he died and everyone had to process it. Oh my god. I thought I was upset when I found out he died but this episode cut me.
- Les Mis movie, sometime near the end I can’t quite remember when.
- X men: Days of Future Past ( Good job marvel you made me cry at a superhero movie now will you let me wear a cape? )
- Gilmore Girls: A year in the Life. I never cried during the series once but I cried twice watching the revival. I’ll let you guess when ( hint they’re both Luke and Lorelai related)
So I’m trying to be ok with my sensitivity, which is always a process. Trying to be more open with my emotions will probably make me a better actor which will always be a good thing. If nothing else you can find joy that I cried during X Men and we can have a laugh about it because personally I think it’s hilarious that Hugh Jackman made me cry.
Here is a meme to remember how great Heroes was and me thinking that I’d have awesome empath powers:
Also enjoy this very weird music video from 3 doors down with their song Kryptonite: