All or Nothing.

Balance. Oof.

Something I’m trying to learn how to do, or maybe have always tried to learn how to do?

I think I’ve always had trouble balancing things tbh. When I was in highschool I remember stressing myself out so much over studying and tests and not doing “well”. Which for me was like getting mid- low 80’s in everything ( I blame my over-achieving friends that seemed to get 90’s or 100 in everything. Wasn’t high school for goofing off? Sometimes? Hah! No it was for who got the best test scores- obviously. Also why be in one thing when you could be in five? I went to a weird high school.)

So it comes as no surprise that given the opportunity to travel to Germany in grade 11, (because all of my friends were doing it, I know I know can you say upper east side gossip girl? ) meant of course I had to do it too.

My peer-pressure in high school was also strange. It wasn’t so much of a let’s do crazy things like drugs or have unprotected sex ( or maybe I was hanging out with a different crowd) but more of a um everyone’s going on this European exchange thing, tell me why you can’t go? Going to Germany meant that I finished grade 11 four months earlier. We had to. We had to cram all of grade 11, including exams, so that we were done by the the end of March, when we left. Which in grade 11 also meant I always had homework, I was always busy and would always feel guilty about going out.

Back to my point. I think grade 11 stressed me out a lot, there was no balance. I was all work and no play Reba. Which meant come grade 12 my courses were less, I had more spares and the major exams had happened in January. This meant I could slack off. Probably not an entirely wise idea in my last year of high school before university but give me a break. I had just completed a year of high school in 7 months instead of 10. And then worked a full summer at camp. I decided I deserved to give myself a break.

I always seem to either be all in or all out in the most basic terms. If I look at my track record that’s even true. I also slacked off in first year university, maybe because I had in grade 12. But my last term of university I remember being at university three days a week but those were full days. That started at 9 am and ended at 6pm when I got home. Two years ago I was full busy stop from january- july and my friends complained. That I never saw them. That I could never “hang out” I had a show in January followed by an intensive acting program from Feb-May and outside of those rehearsals I was trying to produce my first fringe show and book those rehearsals and I worked full time. Oof. It’s almost exhausting just typing it out.

I always do give myself a break after a really intense period. In the simplest way I allow myself to do nothing. To veg out, go for coffee, read, and watch whatever show I’m currently into for hours ( right now it’s gossip girl ). But again, it’s only a matter of time before my brain starts gnawing at me going why aren’t you doing anything? You should definitely be doing something. Or all the things. When I get depressed I go in the other direction. I do nothing. I can’t do anything. And I watch mind numbing shows for hours (Little People Big World? I could tell you their LIFE STORY )

Going into my adulthood it’s really hard trying to find a balance between doing what I love and also trying to live my life. What I love to do often feels like it won’t allow me to live my life. Or in normal hours anyway. Which I have mostly accepted. When I get overwhelmed by doing things ( it happens often) I tell myself to just do one thing on my list that day. I feel like I’ve accomplished something and sure it’s not the list of 20 things in my head but I did one of them. It maintains my balance.

Last week I let this blog slide, which I didn’t mean to because my blog is important to me.

But I’ll break down my week for you. I had a last minute interview and audition and they were back to back. I also signed up for a workshop that I have to think about this week and applied to school. Oh and I got addicted to Riverdale.

I’ll probably never be good at doing nothing, and I might not want to be. And I don’t like being “too good” at it either because then I’m just a lump. And of course while all of this is happening I need to know if Dan and Serena will ever be together, if Chuck and Blair can figure their shit out and who’s going to tell Rufus and Lily that their son isn’t actually dead??!? ( sorry spoiler if you’ve never watched gossip girl)

That’s all from this gossip girl/ anthems of a 20 something girl at the moment. Writing my blog tonight was the one thing on my list I *definitely* had to do so mission accomplished.

Oh and if you’re wondering maybe you are? Maybe you aren’t? Maybe you’re like who cares what high school this girl went to? ( shush it’s my blog and I assume you sort of care ) I went to a private high school, the over achieving thing might make sense then. And sometimes it felt like the meaner parts of gossip girl where I was Jenny Humphrey living in Brooklyn, without the whole cute boys going to my school thing.

I’ll leave you with a song from O-town ( because the 2000s are always alive and well in my heart) called all or nothing. Get it? It’s relevant.

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