But I can’t hide

So February 7th. The last day I blogged. I really don’t blame anyone for not following this blog at this point in time because it did look like I had given up blogging for a while.

A few things have prevented me from blogging. I had some health things I was dealing with, my anxiety has felt more out of control and I’ve also been a bit depressed tbh. I feel like I can tell you my lovely bloggers ( or just people who read this blog ) this mostly because it feels strange not to. My blog is me, and I’ve never really been afraid of talking about who I am, even if it’s only across the internet. Also once I avoided writing one week it became so much easier to avoid it every week.

Oh and my favourite thing, doubt. Doubt is always the friend that no one wants. It’s like the cousin you’re forced to hang out with at awkward family gatherings and takes forever to leave only… surprise now they’ve decided to stay the whole weekend!

I have it in bounds. In leaps of bounds. Doubt can prevent me from doing things I want to do (much like my anxiety also can) but somehow feels more permanent than my anxiety. I feel like artists are often just told to suck it up, suffer through it, possibly drink more ( I’ve been there ) to conquer the doubt monster. Lately I’ve been trying to do more proactive things rather than just avoid my doubt.

* My doubt also tells me that I’m not a very good writer, and that no one reads this blog which at this point may also be true* 

I’ve been doing some mindful exercises ( mostly breathing ones ), trying to go for a walk every day ( it is small but vitamin d is great and it’s currently real nice in the peg !) journalling more and also trying to do something creative every day. ( Right now it’s real easy because I have a major audition and a fringe show coming up.. more on that in a later post ) I’ve also been seeing a counsellor, she’s been great and validates my weird/ anxious/ untrue feelings and tells me to practice self- compassion.

Right now I’m also trying to say yes to things to battle the doubt that says no in my head. It’s how this blog got started. People ( and my dad ) kept telling me I was a good writer and should write something, anything, a blog perhaps. My doubt had been telling me for a while * cue in that awkward cousin * that nobody would like what I wrote and what did I have to say about anything and then would leave the room and take all the potato chips.

On my path of trying to say to say yes to things I’ve recently applied to school, am putting on a show in the winnipeg fringe festival and my one friend has convinced me to do a podcast. The conversation started with her asking me how Roswell ( the show I was currently watching ) was going. Which turned into a discussion about television shows and podcasts she mentioned hers that she wants to start and then asked me if I had ever thought about doing one. I told her I had but that it was just an idea. She told me that I should do one on any of the 90s/2000s shows that I love, pick an angle and go. Now my angle may be that I love whatever show I’m doing but hey it’s my angle.

Of course I have scoured the internet ( sort of ) but mostly looked through my podcasts to see if the show I wanted to do was already taken. It hasn’t been yet although if I wait too long someone else might have my idea. That is to say that a Roswell podcast is coming to you in the near future. So get ready for that. And for me obsessing over Brendan Fehr who plays Michael Guerin on the show. ( He’s from winnipeg I’m allowed to freak out a little )

It will be called #285South if anyone out there has watched Roswell you will definitely get that reference. I’m terrified and have no idea what I’m doing but I’m saying yes anyway and will hopefully figure out the rest later.

Thanks for still following if you’re out there and that’s all this 20 something has energy for tonight. But hey I did a blog! And I’ll try to be better I promise.

Some cool links!

Mindshift is a great app that my doctor recommended for me and it has cool mindful training exercises and can really help you understand your anxiety and it’s free.

Learn about it here:  Anxiety BC

Haven’t watched Roswell? Want to start? It’s currently on Canadian Netflix and a show I binge-watched in a week and has great writing ( I am not bias I am not ) Let me ask you this, do you like Parenthood? Friday Night Lights? My so- called life? All written/ produced by the same person that created Roswell. I found this cool trailer from like the 90s for Roswell:

Also the theme song is by Dido which is pretty great ( you never knew that you liked Dido so much until you’ve listened to this song )







2 thoughts on “But I can’t hide

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